Welcome to Nashville

Welcome to Nashville

During my last trip to move some more of my stuff to downtown Nashville, I discovered the answer to one of life’s great questions: why are homeless guys often seen wearing only one sock?  It’s a random thing to wonder, yes; but for someone who doesn’t see many displaced people these days, I’ve pondered the one sock conundrum more than a few times. When I lived in New Orleans, I would occasionally see the down-and-out barefoot or wearing only one sock – but seldom two.

By no means am I obsessed with socks, although I am a bit of a “sock snob.” I’ve been wearing only American Apparel tube socks for a few years now, justifying them as essential to my horse riding gear. (They are super-comfy with boots.)  But are other socks just as good? Probably.  Another reason (and I hate to admit this) that I’m a sock snoot is that I’m a sucker for the hipster marketing of American Apparel; so much so that I have spent more than enough money on these items. It’s ridiculous to think of what I’ve spent on fancy socks in this economy when a pair from Wal-mart or Target would probably get the job done just as well.

One small consolation is that I’m not one of those people who wears holiday themed socks, or socks with pictures of Snoopy or Charlie Chaplin. None of those thin black socks displaying Rudolph for me, thank you. No socks that light up – no socks that play songs. And those horrid rainbow things with toes – no way. I always imagined that those spending money on novelty socks also had an impressive collection of fanny packs and ceramic roosters.

      Socks are just small things we take for granted. Of course, for the refugee, having only one pair of socks makes each one all the more precious – which has made me wonder what kind of a quandary could one get into to lose a sock. A fight? Maybe someone stole one from you while you slept under the rail bridge on 8^th Ave. Maybe you just lost one in a bet. I guess there are lots of ways to lose a sock. Plenty of us lose one every now and then in the dryer…although I don’t imagine that would explain a loss for so many homeless seen battling the urban landscapes with one cold foot.

      I also don’t think we understand how uncomfortable wearing one sock all day would be. We don’t appreciate the comfort of having both socks – or of having the softest socks we like – or can afford – when others feel blessed to wear two paper thin socks with holes in the toes.

Times are hard everywhere and Nashville is no exception. The vagrants in Nashville aren’t necessarily wondering around The Campus for Human Development  with any better socks (or sock) than any other homeless person in the country.  In fact, I’ve noticed that around Big Red the down-and-out are seriously down and out. And how many of us are one or two missed paychecks away from being right there with them – our fancy socks and egos wearing thin in the Nashville haze?

      I happened to be right outside Big Red when the solution to the great one sock enigma was finally revealed to me.   I was leaving Nashville for Alabama again and the answer was right there at my back driver’s side tire.  There, between my car and the building was a giant pile of human excrement. Giant. And there, on top of the big pile of shit sat the answer to my question. Yes, a sock. A sock someone had to take off his foot to wipe his ass with. O' the humanity.  So now I know. And I can never unsee what I’ve seen.

      After I got home, I wondered if other people knew the secret. Turns out, there’s a Facebook group called Using a Sock When There’s No Toilet Paper….so, yes.  The actual term for a sock used to wipe one’s ass is “Sock Monkey.” (Urban Dictionary)  Further research revealed that there are several nefarious ways to use a sock, one of which is the “Bunk Sock” – a sock used to masturbate into while working on the Kenny Chesney tour.  One might also clean up spilled sperm with a sock – “Spunk Sock.” Then there’s the “Chunk Sock” – the definition of which is pretty self-explanatory.

     Thanks to this experience, I’ve learned more than the fact that a sock is a useful thing to have when you are desperate for toilet paper or something to ejaculate in. I learned that I take too many things in my life for granted – simple things like toilet paper and socks and having the money to buy either whenever I want. Most of all, I learned a valuable lesson from the man who left his body waste next to my Saturn – that there’s more than one way to wipe your ass; and there’s more than one way to say “Welcome to Nashville.”