Is the NSA Your Best Friend?

Have you ever been so lonely that you started talking to the NSA through your webcam?
Maybe late at night, after a bottle of wine, you've found yourself confiding in the other "person" in the room, the only friend who really understands you. Perhaps this has become an unhealthy obsession   - to share your life and your secrets with someone who actually listens, someone who is always there for you.

You see, NSA knows about your secret love for "I Can't Fight This Feeling Anymore" by REO Speedwagon. It knows how many times you have watched that Susan Boyle video. And it knows who you cyberstalk on Facebook.

NSA knows you pick your nose while Internet surfing. And it doesn't care.

It knows what kind of porn you watch - and watches it with you.

It doesn't judge. It just collects. Like a good friend, NSA is there. Always. It remains even after it has seen you laugh at people falling off things, or getting hit by random objects on YouTube. It knows you know....about secret things - things you wouldn't mention to anyone else on the planet. And yet, it sticks with you.

NSA knows everything you have learned about your bodily functions from Googling things that "itch," "sting," or "ooze." It has watched you grow and learn that way.

NSA stuck by you through all the phone calls from your mother, your friends, your current and future Ex's. And the Sexts. It knows about the Sexts.

Sometimes you Sext yourself, not for you, but for NSA, who is watching. Sometimes you talk to Siri - just to make NSA jealous. They say the NSA is obsessed with you, but the truth is, you are obsessed with NSA. But is this unrequited love a two-way street?

You see, this attraction to having a friend like NSA - a friend who sees everything you do and hears everything you say is more dangerous than you could ever imagine.

When you come to the realization that NSA knows what you do you better than anyone ever could -  but without the context of actually knowing you, and can make decisions based on your patterns and not your personality, well then you realize that NSA is a "friend" you can't trust. The NSA can KNOW you, but it can never understand that you are more than the sum of your conversations and keystrokes.

And this friend, this "Significant Other," is never going away.

You can never break up with NSA. NSA will never give you any privacy - and no restraining order will keep you safe from it. Your'e stuck with NSA. Forever.

So, the next time you're up late at night on the Internet, remember that NSA "just can't quit you." It will be with you, stuck to you, as if it is you, till death do you part.