I look more beautiful now than when I was 20 because I've grown into a face that truly is my own. No, it's not the kind of beauty that you'll ever see in a magazine. Or on TV, or in movies. It's too gritty and gravelly and tragic and dusty. Somewhere in there is all my history and heartache. It's not the face of a hottie Cougar, either. It is the face of a girl in her 40s who looks like she's in her 40s.
There's a soft bump at the top of my left cheek that I only notice in pictures. I believe it's called a fat deposit. It casts a weird shadow on my face, making it look a little darker than skin around it - especially when I smile.
There are times when I think of "fixing" that bump. But then I would have to think about fixing all the other bumps and various other new textures and lines of my face. (Once you start, where does it stop?) The wrinkles, the deeper indentions around my mouth, and the jowls that are starting to appear - they are more than just the result of being me. They are me. And yes, that includes the occasional visit from my nemesis - the tiny chin hair that literally POPS UP every couple of months.
This growing older thing could really get a girl down. BUT it is also a really important leg of my journey here. Beauty may be only skin deep - but there's a real magnificence that emits from the skin - the leathery, wrinkled, and scarred skin that is revealed when the mask of youth finally falls off and we see (and get to show the rest of the world) how we really shine.
When I was younger, I swore that I would get as much plastic surgery as I could afford and was necessary. I was afraid of not being pretty. (Or really - not being thought of as YOUNG and pretty by other people.) Now I see that none of that was "necessary" after all. In fact, with the textured skin came the understanding of what "pretty" actually is - and isn't. It turns out that "Pretty" has nothing to do with being young. Go figure.
Sure, sometimes when I take pictures, there is a part of me that expects to see that 20 year old girl. And yes, there is a sadness when I see she's not there anymore and she is never coming back. But the girl that remains is doing a few things with grace that she refused to accept just a few years earlier.
Real beauty is on the inside AND the outside. It's about honoring others, and ourselves. It's about truth and light and LOVE. It's about telling your story to others and letting them see the true beauty in it. Don't JUDGE a book by its cover, CELEBRATE it.
For young girls - enjoy your youth, but don't try to hang on to it for too long. It's just the first part of your journey. Save it only as long as it serves you, and when it can no longer express your splendidness, let it make room for your character to come through. You are going to love that girl. Let her book be celebrated. Let her shine.
Van Gogh once told his brother in a letter, "There is no such thing as an old woman!" I know he's right. I'm still a girl in every way inside. I still dance around with my hair brush as a microphone.
I still FEEL like a girl. Hell, I still feel like Buffy!
This is me. And when I'm 80, I'll still be a girl - a girl with a chin hair and a bunch of wrinkles and a great story to tell the world.
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